New Moon Parody

New Moon Parody

Characters:

Bella

Edward

Alice

Emmet

Jasper

Rosalie

Carlisle

Sam

Charlie

Winter

New Moon Parody:

BELLA: It’s my birthday today, but if you say anything about it I will get upset for some ridiculous reason that I haven’t come up with yet.

EDWARD: Oh really? It’s your birthday? How old are you now, twenty-five?

BELLA: [starts to cry] No! [sniffle] I’m only eighteen!! But listen, Edward, I had this dream last night that I was my grandmother! It was horrible!! [cries into EDWARD’s shoulder]

EDWARD: [is slightly repulsed and doesn’t touch BELLA] Yes, well, ummmm…. Alice is throwing a huge party for you with cake and presents and decorations and singing.

BELLA: [is furious, although we don’t know why] WHAT?! Why would she do that to me?! I cannot believe she would be so cruel! I thought she loved me like a sister. Why would she do that to her own SISTER?

EDWARD: God, Bella. She was just trying to be nice. Why don’t you want a party?

BELLA: [looks at EDWARD as if he should know the answer]

EDWARD: Ha! I get it now! You don’t want to be older than me! Well it’s too late, you’re eighteen and I’m only SEVENTEEN!!! Ahahahahahahahahaha!!!! [laughs hysterically]

BELLA: Edward, it’s not funny!

EDWARD: [thinks that it is, in fact, funny]

[Cut to the party]

ALICE: Pressie time!!!!!!!! Yay! I love presents! Here Bella, open this one first. [hands BELLA a box with pretty wrapping and a bow]

BELLA: I told you no presents. But… I guess I can open this one. [smiles really excitedly and rips off the paper like a three-year-old on Christmas]

ALICE: [giggles]

BELLA: Yay, a car stereo! I’ve always wanted one of these! Thanks Jasper, Emmet and Rosalie!

EMMET and JASPER: You’re welcome!

ROSALIE: I’m not going to smile because I’m jealous that you’re still human and I like to ruin other people’s happiness. [frowns]

ALICE: Here Bella, open another one! [hands BELLA another gift]

BELLA: I told you not to spend any money on me… but I think I can deal with another present. [begins to unwrap present with so much enthusiasm that the paper cuts her fingers off]

BELLA: [screams] I cut my fingers off! [holds up her hand which is dripping with blood. The Cullens stare at her] Oh crap, vampires like blood.

[JASPER, EMMET, ROSALIE and ALICE lunge at BELLA, who screams and starts running around the room.]

EDWARD: [starts to giggle] Hey, guys, come on. You can’t eat her, she’s my girlfriend.

[JASPER, EMMET, ROSALIE, and ALICE don’t even notice that EDWARD is talking. BELLA is still screaming and running around in circles. As if that would actually protect her from four vampires. Hahaha, she’s so clueless]

EDWARD: No, seriously guys. Seriously. Stop.

[JASPER, EMMET, ROSALIE, and ALICE jump on BELLA and start to bite into her arm]

EDWARD: Stop! Hey, I bet carlisle could get them to stop. Carlisle!! Carlisle, my siblings are trying to eat Bella!

CARLISLE: [walks down the stairs to see JASPER, EMMET, ROSALIE, and ALICE clawing at BELLA, who’s screaming.] Oh golly! What is this mess? You silly kids, I was trying to watch Mr. Rogers and now I have to deal with this!

BELLA: Carlisle, will you do something?! I’m being eaten by your children!

CARLISLE: Oh, Bella honey I’m so sorry. I just took a shower and this is my best shirt. I don’t think I’ll be able to help you.

EDWARD: Fine, you know what? I’ll save her myself. [jumps into the pile of vampires and pulls his siblings off of BELLA]

BELLA: [is a mess] Finally. God, I thought they’d kill me!

[EDWARD ushers his crazed siblings out of the house and then walks back over to BELLA]

EDWARD: My, your clothes are all ripped. And your hair is a mess. Hmmm…

BELLA: Um, no. I’m going to go up to Alice’s room and borrow some of her clothes. You stay here. [BELLA goes up to ALICE’s room and changes into some new clothes. Suddenly, EDWARD appears at ALICE’s window]

BELLA: I thought I told you to stay downstairs.

EDWARD: Ya, well… Look Bella, I’ve been thinking. You know, with me being a vampire and all… Well, I don’t think we should be together anymore.

BELLA: WHAT?!?! Are you kidding me? I was gone for two minutes and now you don’t want to be with me anymore?! What’s wrong with you? You dragged me through all that drama and injury last year and now you’re just going to leave me?

EDWARD: Well, when you put it that way… Yes. That’s exactly what I’m doing.

BELLA: How dare you?! You ...You… [breaks out in hysteric sobs]

EDWARD: Sorry Bella. It’s for your own good. [Leaves]

[Cut to some random woods]

BELLA: [Is crying. We’re pretty sure she’s insane but we’re not sure] Ahhhhhhhhh. I’m just going to wander in these woods because that’s the most sensible thing to do when your boyfriend leaves you. Wander, wander, wander! Just keep running! You see, if I keep running I’ll eventually catch up with my insanely fast vampire boyfriend. [trips on a grain of sand and blacks out, or something along those lines.]

[Time passes and some kid named Sam finds her and carries her back to her father’s house]

CHARLIE: [has forgotten that he has a daughter] Oh Bella! Where’ve you been all this time? Oh yeah! How was the party?

BELLA: I’m going to act like a zombie for a while to prove that Edward was my life. So, yeah, I’m just going to be ignoring you for a while.

CHARLIE: Yeah, that’s fine. I don’t really care.

SAM: [starts walking out the door] Um, ok then. I guess I’ll just go now.

CHARLIE: Oh, thanks Sam.

BELLA: I’ll probably see you soon. Oh I forgot! Ok I’ll act like a zombie starting…. Now!

[Cut to Jacob’s garage. Bella has just walked in the door to find Jacob sitting in a chair examining a car part]

JACOB: [sees BELLA] Bella! What’s up? Did you come to visit me?

BELLA: Uh, well, Edward left me-

JACOB: [jumps out of his chair and cries out in supreme euphoria.] YES!! Finally! This is the best moment of my life!

BELLA: [begins to cry] Jacob, please don’t talk about it. Whenever I think of Edward I feel like some one is carving a hole in my torso.

JACOB: [is shocked by BELLA’s sudden breakdown] Really? That’s awful! Here, let me comfort you! [embraces BELLA, who stops crying and cheers up]

BELLA: Hey, you know what always makes me feel better? Attempting life threatening stunts!! It’s so much fun, you should try it! I have a couple motorcycles in my truck, want to try them out?

JACOB: Yes! That’s sounds amazing! You’ve never been on a motorcycle, right?

BELLA: Right! And my coordination and balance are simply awful!

JACOB: Perfect! I’ll go get the motorcycles.

[Cut to some random road]

JACOB: [showing BELLA, who is sitting on the motorcycle, how to use it] Ok, so just don’t let go of the clutch and press the gas pedal. The brake is under your right foot, but don’t use it.

BELLA: How do I stop?

JACOB: I don’t remember, but I’m sure it will come back to me when you start driving.

BELLA: Oh, ok. Let me know when you remember.

JACOB: Ready… Set… GO!

[BELLA speeds off on the motorcycle and is about to hit a large rock. She slams her right foot on the brake and goes flying off the bike. She hits a tree and slumps onto the ground.]

JACOB: Oh crap. Oh no. What do I do? Bella! Bella, are you ok? [runs over to BELLA, who, by some miracle, is not dead]

BELLA: [is apparently in another world] Edward! Edward talk to me again! Edward where are you? I heard your voice- Oh hey Jacob! Yeah, I’m fine. How are you?

JACOB: [kneels by BELLA and holds her in his arms] Why, I am fine, thank you for asking. [suddenly gasps and looks horrified]

BELLA: [is sort of freaking out] What? What is it?

JACOB: Bella, there’s a gash in your head! It’s bleeding everywhere. I’m going to take you to the hospital.

BELLA: [giggles] Don’t be silly. I’m fine! It’s just a cut. It’ll stop bleeding in a minute.

[JACOB doesn’t think so! He takes BELLA to the hospital. On the way to the hospital, BELLA spots a few kids jumping off cliffs and it peaks her interest. Her eyes are glued to the window]

BELLA: What are they doing? It looks like a life threatening stunt to me!

JACOB: [is really annoyed, but we don’t know why…] Well it’s not!! I hate those kids! Always jumping off cliffs, and being all nice, and bossing us around, and turning into werewolves to protect our tribe.

BELLA: What was that last one?

JACOB: Turning into werewolves to protect our tribe.

BELLA: [is so clueless!] Oh ok. That’s what I thought you said, but I wasn’t sure.

[Cut to cliff scene. It’s a cold, dark, drizzling day. Not the best for swimming]

BELLA: [is standing at the edge of a cliff] I need to hear Edward’s voice again or I shall go insane! I think I may be running out of life threatening stunts! Whatever shall I do?

[pauses]

Oh I know! I’ll jump off this cliff! I’m sure that will make Edward talk to me! [by now the reader realizes that BELLA is completely insane. BELLA walks to the edge of the cliff and is about to jump when she hears EDWARD’s voice]

EDWARD: Bella! Don’t do this! You’ll get hurt!

BELLA: [Shouting] Edward! Is that you? [falls off the cliff. She plunges into the cold water and is finding it hard to swim due to the extreme currents. She starts freaking out a bit and decides to calm herself down by singing a song]

BELLA: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming! What do we do we- Jacob! What are you doing here? [Jacob is swimming over to BELLA. Somehow he knows that she has jumped off a cliff?]

JACOB: Don’t worry Bella! I have come to rescue you! [grabs BELLA around the waist and swims back to shore. He lays her down on the sand and starts pounding her back]

JACOB: Breathe! Breathe, Bella!

BELLA: Jacob! Jacob, I’m fine! Stop hitting me!

JACOB: [doesn’t hear her] Come on Bella! Don’t die! Please don’t die! I love you!

BELLA: Jake! I’M NOT DEAD! Stop hitting me! You’re hurting my back.

JACOB: [realizes that BELLA is fine] Oh Bella! Oh my love, I thought you were going to die! Thank God I saved you!

WINTER: [rolls her eyes] You, [points to JACOB] you're completely oblivious. And you, [points to BELLA] are a psychotic idiot.

JACOB: What's oblivious?

BELLA: Me too!

WINTER: What?

BELLA: I want to be oblivious too!

WINTER: Alright then, you are also oblivious.

BELLA: Yes!

JACOB: What's oblivious?

[Cut to the scene where Alice comes back. JACOB and BELLA are driving home from… somewhere. I can’t remember where.]

JACOB: Oh my God I smell a vampire!

BELLA: A vampire? What the hell? Those don’t exist! [starts laughing]

WINTER: [suddenly appears in the car] Wait, wait! Readers: please excuse the interruption of this story. We are having some minor problems with one of our characters. Please enjoy the music while you wait. [plays repetitive piano music] Bella, you idiot! Edward and his entire family are vampires! And so is that crazy redheaded woman who’s stalking you.

BELLA: Oh… really? [starts to recall] Wait a minute! There were so many signs. The frenzy at my birthday party, last year in the ballet studio… It all adds up!

WINTER: Yeah. Well, just make sure that from now on you know that vampires exist, OK?

BELLA: That’s absurd, but I’ll do it.

WINTER: [stops the background music] Readers may now continue with New Moon, by Stephenie Meyer.

JACOB: Oh my God I smell a vampire?

BELLA: No way! Oh no, what should we do?

JACOB: [is vibrating] I shall change into a werewolf! [to himself] Wait, what am I going to about Bella? I guess I should drive her-

BELLA: [screaming at the top of her lungs] WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stop the car Jacob! Stop!

JACOB: But-

BELLA: Jacob stop this car immediately!!

[They pull over in front of BELLA’s house]

BELLA: [staring at a black, fancy, expensive car] Jake, that’s Carlisle’s car!

JACOB: [sighs and curses under his breath] I thought they left you here all alone.

BELLA: They’re back! [rushes into the house. JACOB drives home to sulk. BELLA walks in to find ALICE sitting at her kitchen table]

BELLA: [faints]

ALICE: [sighs in exasperation] Idiot. [She shakes BELLA until she wakes up]

BELLA: Oh hey, Alice. What’s up?

ALICE: Oh nothing much. The usual. Edward’s run off to the Volturi.

BELLA: No surprise there.

ALICE: Yeah, I saw you jumping off a cliff. That was hilarious! I wish I was here to see it in person. Anyway, I told Rosalie about what I’d seen and she was rolling on the floor laughing. Then she decided to call Edward who was in Siberia. She told him about my vision. But he didn’t laugh. He just hung up.

BELLA: Yeah, he can be pretty moody sometimes.

ALICE: I know! But then I had another vision of him running off to the Volturi and asking them to kill him. Apparently he thought you were dead!

BELLA: He’s being overly dramatic. Wait, he thought that I died when I jumped off the cliff? So because he loves me so much he no longer wants to live because he can’t live without me? I think this has been done before… [tries to remember]

ALICE: You’re thinking of Romeo and Juliet. That famous Shakespeare play that has been remade so many times that it’s impossible to count.

BELLA: Yes! That’s exactly what I was thinking of. Wow, whoever is writing this is not at all original. This plot sucks!

ALICE: I agree. But I was hoping you could show up right before he gets himself killed so that he’ll see that you’re not actually dead. And then he won’t want to die!

BELLA: Ok, I’ll do it. I’ve got nothing better to do.

ALICE: Woo! Off to the Volturi!

[They fly to Italy (via plane, ALICE isn’t that fast). They steal a super fast yellow car by unexplained methods. I mean, how do you just get into a bright yellow porsche (it’s a porsche, right?) and drive it out of a crowded parking lot? Where did they get the keys? Anyway…)

BELLA: This is it! Volterra, isn’t it?

ALICE: Yup. This is it. We made really good time!

BELLA: And we were only driving 110MPH (177KPH)!

[Cut to the square in the center of Volterra with the clock tower. It’s a beautiful sunny day. EDWARD is standing at the edge of the square in shade. He’s about to take a step]

BELLA: [shouting and running towards EDWARD. She knocks over a few small children on the way.] Edward!! No!! I’m alive! Don’t mo- [falls over right in front of EDWARD]

EDWARD: Oh, what a nice little hallucination!

BELLA: No, no Edward! This is real! See? [embraces him]

EDWARD: Oh. Bella! You’re alive!

BELLA: Yup. Can we go now? I’m hungry.

[They fly home and live happily ever after- for a week or so. Then we have to go out and spend a ridiculous amount of money on Eclipse only to be utterly disappointed for the third time.